


We can't leave us behind, anymore.

by graceisintodrummers



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, M/M, OT5, Songfic, Zayn leaving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-19 22:28:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3626607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graceisintodrummers/pseuds/graceisintodrummers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's harder on some days. Harder to get up in the morning. Harder to even wake up. Harder to stand up and shower. Harder to eat breakfast. Harder to smile. It's harder on some days. Harder to get things done. Harder to cooperate, to learn, to listen, to talk. Harder to concentrate on new things. It's harder on some days. Harder to get on stage and sing. Harder to hear the fans screaming his name. Harder to take in the lights and not close his eyes. It is harder on some days to tell everyone he is okay when he is not. The boys learned to sense it though.</p><p> </p><p>Zayn leaves the band and all of them have to cope with the changes now. It's hard, but they still have each other. And even if Zayn's not with them anymore, he is never really far away.</p><p> </p><p>We lived through scars this time and I've made up my mind, we can't leave us behind anymore. We'll have to hurt for now but next time there's no doubt. Coz I can't go without you, anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We can't leave us behind, anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know anything about what's going on right now. All I know is that it's hard for the boys and it's hard for us.  
> Writing has always been my way to cope with things, so here is what happened. I feel a little better after finishing this short story so I thought I could share it with you! It's just emotions actually. I hope you enjoy it. Lots of love.
> 
> I forgot the song, sorry! It's "Scars" by James Bay. I recommend listening to him while reading. Or listening to his songs at all.
> 
> For the past days I switched from listening to the boys to listen to him, when it got too much.

 

**_You're setting of, it's time to go the engine's running. My mind is lost. We always knew this day was coming._ **

 

_It's harder on some days. Harder to get up in the morning. Harder to even wake up. Harder to stand up and shower. Harder to eat breakfast. Harder to smile. It's harder on some days. Harder to get things done. Harder to cooperate, to learn, to listen, to talk. Harder to concentrate on new things. It's harder on some days. Harder to get on stage and sing. Harder to hear the fans screaming his name. Harder to take in the lights and not close his eyes. It is harder on some days to tell everyone he is okay when he is not. The boys learned to sense it though. Liam, of course, was always the best in it. He immediately felt when it was on of these days. He would pull him in one of his hugs, the ones that make everything better, and whisper things in his ears. Harry was good too. He just looked at him and knew. He didn't even asked or something. He would just reach over to hold his hand. Smile his smile, the one only Harry can smile, because no one is as genuine and kind and caring as Harry and that's how his smile is too. Louis sometimes took a minute longer, but he knew because they have this connection, this bond they shared from the very beginning. So Louis, despite his loud self, always stayed quiet with him in these days, because he knew as soon as things are better they can be loud together again. Niall sometimes needed the others to show him. He didn't always get if he was just tired or quiet or if it was one of the days. But as soon as he knew he came and huddled up close to him, so he would stop to shiver. It's harder on some days. But with the boys on his side, he always made it through._

 

**_And now it's more, frightening than it's ever going to be._ **

 

“Liam, would you please open the door?” Louis has been knocking at Liam's room for what feels like hours now. “Liam please.” His voice cracks and he looks at Niall and Harry helplessly. Then he leans against the wall and sinks to the floor. “We're here Li. We're right here, if you want to come out. We're not leaving.” The other too boys get down on both sides of him and Louis immediately puts his arms around them pulling Harry and Niall closer. He buries his face in Harry's hair, which smells so familiar like roses and cinnamon and he tries his hardest not to cry. “It's gonna be okay.” He whispers. He isn't sure who he is trying to convince.

The door opens and Liam finds the other three sleeping on the floor in front of his room. He considers waking them up for a second, but he can't and he doesn't want to, so he just curls up in the corner of Louis' feet. the oldest boy is wearing his favourite Toms, without any socks, as so often, exposing his ankles, showing his tattoo, the one all of them have now that they convinced Niall to get it too. It will always be five, Liam thinks before his eyes fall close, tired from all the tears he shed today. Zayn will always be with them.

 

**_We grow apart, I watch you on the red horizon._ **

 

Lou finds them like this at four am after she and Caroline talked to Zayn on the phone for hours. She wakes up Louis and Liam carefully, embracing both of them in a big hug. They all haven't talked that much today, because no one really knows what to say. Louis carries Harry into Liam's hotel room and Liam does the same with Niall. They don't want to wake the younger boys. And of course none of them wants to sleep alone tonight. So they cuddle up at the huge bed leaving no space in between. But still it doesn't feel complete. Someone is missing. Zayn is missing. "You know he loves you, right?" Louis asks, one hand wrapped around Harry's waist while he strokes the back of Niall's head carefully with the other one. Liam nods. He is placed in the small space between Harry and Niall, his head resting against the youngest boy's chest while the fingers of his right hand are intertwined with Niall's. "You know he didn't leave because he doesn't love you, right?" Liam nods again, because yes he does. He knows all of this. It doesn't make it easier to cope with the fact that Zayn left and he won't come back. And what actually hurts the most is that he thought he could save him. He really did. He thought he could make Zayn get through this, help him to enjoy their job again, help him to feel good again. But he couldn't. He failed. He didn't save him."You know you did your best, right?" Louis asks again, leaning over Harry a little to strike Liam's cheek. The younger boy nods as he fights back his tears. "You know I love you, right?" And yes, Liam does.

 

**_Your lion's heart will protect you under stormy skies._ **

 

Liam can't sleep. His thoughts drift back to the days when it was him and Zayn against the world. They always were the two who struggled the most with the fame and the publicity. Zayn because he was so quiet and he just never really liked being around people that much. It would always take him longer than others to relax around new people and with seeing new faces nearly everyday it was not easy. Liam struggled with all of it because he just knew the other side. To this time, when people were screaming his name it had always meant something bad. People touching him meant they wanted to hurt him, not hug him. 

But Zayn and Liam helped each other to cope with all the things that came with living their dream. They saved each other. Whenever it became to much, Zayn would hid in Liam's bunk, waiting for the younger boy to find him there. And Liam would hold him tight, like there was no one else but them. And Liam admired Zayn. Zayn was the strongest person Liam ever met, because he always made it through the day even on the bad ones and he never let it out on anyone else, like himself who would become cranky whenever he got frustrated with himself. He remembers a day where he was really down and nothing went right and he yelled at Zayn, shoving him away as he asked what was wrong. He was sorry immediately seeing the pain in the older boy's eyes and he pulled him in a hug whispering sorry over and over again. Zayn wasn't mad. He drew circles and patterns on Liam's back because he knew it would calm him down. And all he said was "It's okay. It's going to be okay. I'm here."  And now he isn't here anymore. Liam presses his hand against his mouth so he won't cry out loud. He isn't mad at Zayn, not at all. He isn't disappointed or anything. All that he feels is fear, because how will he be able to make it without Zayn?

 

**_And I will always, be listening for your laughter and your tears._ **

 

It's not fair that they have a show tonight, Louis thinks as he holds Harry in his arms. They are not able to perform without Zayn. He has no idea how this is going to work. He looks at Liam who lays on the couch starring blankly at the ceiling. It is not fair. "Thank you Haz." He whispers and he knows the younger boy gets it. "Five minutes left boys!" They really have to go on stage.  _  
_

Liam tries to forget everything around him. He tries to focus on singing. That's what he can after all. And being on stage always made all of his sorrows go away. Not today. He waits for Zayn to start little things. He waits for him to sing You and I with him. But Zayn is not there.  _Not even the gods above can separate the two of us._  Liam sings before his voice cracks. Niall is there and hugs him tightly. It feels good. But his arms aren't the ones he is craving.

"I want to call Zayn." It's the first thing Niall says as soon as they get off the stage. "Can we Skype him or something? I just..." The blonde boy looks at the others with tears in his eyes. "I want... I want to hear his voice. Make sure he's okay." Harry walks over and embraces him into his arms. "I know.".He whispers. "Me too." Louis joins them, pulling Liam with him. " Let's give him some time. Let's go to bed go and call him tomorrow." It's not even a question that they sleep in the same bed. They should have always done this. Why did they allow management to separate them that much.

 

**_And as soon as I can hold you once again, I won't let go of you I swear._ **

 

Liam's heart is beating fast as Louis opens the laptop to call Zayn on Skype. It feels like he hasn't seen him in forever. Will he look tired? Sad? Will the circles under his eyes be even darker then when he left? Or was he able to get some rest? Liam closes his eyes. He is not ready. Not really. Not at all. "Hi." He opens his eyes again as he hears the most beautiful voice he knows. "Zayn!" Harry's voice trembles as he says the name of their band mate. "Zayn, we miss you!" "I miss you too." The quiet boy looks directly at Liam. "I miss you so much. I'll see you as soon as I can."

 

**We _lived through scars this time, but I've made up my mind, we can't leave us behind, anymore._**

 

Liam can hold back his tears until they said their goodbyes to Zayn. Then he breaks down crying, right where he sits on the bed beside the boys, one hand over his mouth so he doesn't make a noise and his other hand clutching on his stomach because it hurts so much. "Li." Harry throws his arms around him immediately, pulling him closer and he can feel Niall's fingers searching for his hand, bringing it away form his face. "Leeyum." Niall says with his softest voice. "Liam look at me. We are going to be okay." And Liam nods because sure, he wants to believe Niall, he really does. But how can they be okay without Zayn. "I just...I just thought we would be enough for him to stay. I thought I would be enough. I thought I could save him." He buries his face in Harry's shoulder but he doesn't let go of Niall's hand. This four boys are all he has left. "Li." Louis speaks up carefully. "You have to understand that he didn't do this because of you or me or any of us. He did it because of himself and that was long overdue. He tried so hard. But this was never his place to be. And he had to take care of himself now." He moves closer and takes Liam's face in his hands so the younger boy is forced to look into his blue eyes. They are dark, like the sea after a stormy night and that's what it has been after all. A stormy night. "Liam, he did what felt right for him and he is going to be okay. And so are we." He smiles weakly. "Okay?" Liam nods. "Okay Louis." The older boy leans forward and presses a kiss against the corner of Liam's mouth. "We love you Payno. We won't leave." Louis knows it is the hardest for Liam. First of all, of course, because it is Zayn and the both of them always had a special relationship. But also because it is one of Liam's biggest fears that the people he loves the most leave him. And Zayn hasn't left him or them, Louis knows that. But he left and things will change and Liam, like Louis himself, has never been good with changes. "I just thought his place was on our side." Liam whispers and Louis has to fight back his tears. "I know."

 

 ** _Your hands are cold, your lips are turning blue, you're shaking_**. **_This fragile heart, so heavy in my chest is breaking._**

 

Liam remembers a night when Zayn hid in his bunk. Liam came in the bus after a long night out with Niall and Harry. Louis and Zayn had stayed on the playing video games. But now Louis was in his room with Harry and Liam knew that Zayn was the only one left on the bus. It was strange that the older boy sometimes preferred to stay here rather than in a comfortable hotel room. "I feel closer to home Leeyum." He answered as the other boy asked about it. "And I like the road." Liam didn't even look in Zayn's bunk first, he knew he wouldn't find him there. Instead, he crawled into his own, throwing his arms around Zayn carefully not to wake him. He laid there for a few minutes before he raised his voice. "Are you still awake Zayn?" "Yes." Zayn whispered back. "I missed you tonight" Liam confessed. "Why didn't you come with us?" Zayn turned around to look at Liam. He smiled a little. "You know I like it quiet. A night in with Lou was just what I needed. And to fall asleep next to you is what I need now." Liam nodded because he thought he understood. But maybe he was wrong, maybe no one ever really understood Zayn. "Has this always been your dream?" The younger boy had asked. "The music, the stage, the tour, the fans, the fame?" Zayn had shaken his head barely noticeable. "No, not really." He bit his lip and avoided to look at Liam. "I mean the singing part yes, of course, in some way. "But I am not as good with fans as you or Harry and I am not as confident as Louis and Niall. I don't enjoy the cameras and sometimes I feel like I'm getting a panic attack when I hear all the screaming. But I think the singing and doing all of it with the four boys I love the most has somehow always been my dream, without me even knowing." Liam just looked at the other boy for a while, before he was able to speak. "I didn't know." He mumbled, pressing his chest against Zayn, so their heartbeat melts into one. "I didn't know it is that hard for you." "Just sometimes." Zayn reassured, bringing Liam's hand to his mouth and kissing his fingertips. "It's just sometimes and I still always have you." He kissed Liam's lips softly. "Thank you Jaan."

 

 ** _And in the dark, you try to make a cellphone call to me. But you're miles away. You're breaking up, you're on your own_**. **_It's hard to take, I need an hour just to say hello._**

 

Liam wakes up in the middle of the night with Niall's arm around his chest. He looks at his right to see Harry and Louis tangled up together, the younger boy's head resting against Louis' chest, the older boy's hand in Harry's long hair and he has to smile. His fingertips touch the tattoo on his blank forearm. Four chevrons. Four boys. He painted it on his skin. He will always have four brothers. Nothing will ever change that. They will always be a band of five people. Zayn will always be a part of them. He gets up quietly without waking the other and makes his way out of the room on his tiptoes. Outside he sinks down on the floor and leans back against the wall. His hands hold his phone and he shivers a little because he is only wearing a T-Shirt and shorts. He doesn't think twice. He dials Zayn's number. The older boy answers after the second ring. "Leeyum. Jaan. Hi." Liam starts to cry again. The tears are streaming down his face and he tries to answers but he can't. "Liam. Hey. How are you? Thanks for calling me. Liam? Say something. I'm sorry Li please." The younger boy can't stop his tears and he can't get himself to speak. Hearing Zayn's voice but knowing he can't hold him in his arms, knowing he is so many miles away, hurt and alone, and Liam can't comfort him makes him cry even more. "Liam, Jaan. Please tell me you're okay. I miss you so bad. I'm sorry Li, I hope you can forgive me. I needed to go. I needed to go for now, I'm sorry. I miss you. I'm still with you, Li just differently. I...I love you Jaan." Zayn's voice cracks and Liam can hear hims crying at the other end of the line. It breaks his heart. "Shh, Zayn, it's okay." He brings himself to say. "I love you too."

 

 ** _But_** **_I can't make it, the truth of this work out for you or me._ _And for all the pennies in your pocket, we barely get a second just to speak._**

 

"I am calm." Louis screams and Liam has the urge to cover his ears. He never liked it when Louis was loud, funny or angry. It took a while for him to learn to love Louis' loud side. But a part of him wants to scream too. "Lou, please, this doesn't lead anywhere." Harry tries to step closer to his boyfriend. "Haz. They just told us that we're better off without Zayn. That he can't come back even if he is ready in two month or two years or whatever? I can't calm down. They won't get through with it, not this time. It's too much Harry. It just too much. DAMN." He throws his phone against the wooden wall and it breaks into tiny little pieces. "Lou please." Harry covers his mouth with his hands to muffle his sobs. Niall, who is standing beside him, pulls him into a hug and Louis makes a step towards them. "Sorry, I...Sorry Love. I didn't want to upset you, I'm just so angry. I'm sorry." Liam notices the tears in the corner of Lou's eyes and he tries to remember the last time the older boy cried. Maybe it was two years ago in December, but he is not sure. He takes Louis into his arms, because maybe they all need a hug right now. They can't fight. They need to stay close, close to each other, closer than ever maybe. "It's okay Lou. We'll find away. We didn't want to stay with Modest! anyway, did we? We'll get out of this and start again, maybe with Zayn, maybe just the four of us. But Zayn will always be a part of us." He can't explain himself why he is so calm right now. Maybe he cried enough the last two days. Maybe it's his turn to be strong now. He doesn't know. Niall pulls them into a group hug. "Liam is right. Zayn is a part of us and that won't change. Maybe he'll come back soon if he feels ready, maybe he won't. But he is still our best friend. And that won't change too. We'll be okay." Liam hugs him even tighter.

 

 ** _We lived through scars this time and I've m_ _ade up my_** **_min_ d**, **_we can't leave us behind anymore. We'll have to hurt for now but next time there's no doubt. Coz I can't go without you, anymore._**

 

The second show without Zayn as a member of the band is even harder then the first. The fans hold up signs that they miss Zayn in the whole stadium and whenever one of the other boy's sings Zayn's parts Liam's heart cracks a little more. He is more than glad as soon as it's over and he doesn't speaks to anyone. He just goes straight into his room, not looking right or left. He throws the door shut behind him and thinks down of the floor, resting his head on his knees trying to breath in and out to calm himself down. "Won't you turn on the light?" The sound of the familiar voice makes Liam's heart jump. He lifts his head up, thinking his ears are playing tricks on him. "Zayn." The older boy smiles. He stands up from the bed and walks towards Liam. "I guess that's me." Liam is up on his feet in a second and lets Zayn take him into his arms, breathing him in, melting into the touch. "Why are you here?" Zayn kisses him passionately. "I missed you too much Leeyum."

 

 ** _We lived through scars this time and I've m_ _ade up my_** **_min_ d**, **_we can't leave us behind anymore. We'll have to hurt for now but next time there's no doubt. Coz I can't go without you, anymore._**

 

"Does this mean, you're back now?" Niall asks, moving closer into Zayn's arms. They all cuddled up on Liam's bed and it feels right but it also feels wrong and no one of them want's to move. "No, not like that." Zayn answers, voice low. "I mean I will be maybe. One day. But right now it felt right for me to take a break and I am still convinced that I have to do this. I have to get out of every contract with Modest! and then I have to find myself again. I'm sorry I am hurting you with this boys." He closes his eyes. "It's okay, we just want you to be fine." Louis answers. "It's just good to have you here." Zayn smiles. "It is good to be here." And it's the truth. He was afraid to come. He was afraid it would be awkward, or strange. That coming back without really coming back was too hard and would only make things worse. But it's the opposite. He is with his boys. With Liam. And that's all that counts. 

"How are we going to proceed?" Harry asks, messing with Zayn's hair, whose head is resting on the younger boys thighs. "I don't know." Zayn answers honestly. "I'm not ready to come back. Not yet. But I need you. It's us against the world." He searches for Liam's caramel brown eyes. "Right?" Liam nods as he squeezes Zayn's hand softly. "Right. It always has been. And always will."

 

**_No, I can't go without you, anymore._ **

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you are good. You can talk to me if you need anything. Everything.  
> I hope Liam, Zayn, Niall, Harry and Louis are alright. It will always be the 5 of them. Till the end.  
> I love you a lot. Everything will be okay.


End file.
